~4 minute Read~

I have a visual blossoming in my mind of me standing inside a lantern
looking out at the darkness.

I see myself reflected in every angle, and I’m somehow tasked with wiping away the film that keeps the light trapped inside.

Every small opening I accomplish creates a beam of concentrated brightness that blinds the unsuspecting passersby.

With every section of the mirrored surface I begin to clean, the room around my lantern becomes dimly illuminated and grows in visibility.

My lantern’s reach spills out into a void and there seem to be others around who soak it in with no shred of remorse or intent to return it.

There are others who hold up mirrors and attempt to send it back.

For so long, as I squinted my eyes to see past my own image in the walls of my lantern, I had perceived these twinkling lights to be other faraway and fully illuminated beings.

I see now that they are small mirrors being intentionally held by other clouded lanterns, nearer than expected and almost as clouded as my own.

I’m struck with gratitude for their efforts
and grief
for my inability to acknowledge them sooner.

I position mirrors in the newly cleaned spaces of my own glass cage to send my appreciation back out to them in hopes it might be received. 

As I observe my environment and become curious about its inhabitants, I begin to realize how blinding the light I provide has always been.

Some are starstruck.

Some approach like moths only to be burned by my insistence on an isolated struggle against my own glow; my maintenance of the blockages that allow me to pretend I share the same number of lumens as those who surround me.

But fitting in is the opposite of belonging.

Authenticity is polarizing.

I’m so exhausted from trying to keep my light a secret
for fear it could be perceived as overwhelming.

How could I have ever fooled myself into thinking there was any chance at avoiding perception entirely? 

Slowly, intentionally, I’ve taken down the externally facing mirrors that served to replace the shadowy buildup of shame in eclipsing the outpouring of my glow.

I know now that the generosity of other mirrors is something I can appreciate,

but that the true change I seek is to instead see
courageously transparent lanterns
proudly shining in their places.

I need to learn to model what that could look like.

How else will they start to see past their own internalized reflections?

I have enough reflection inside.

I trust that there will be more than I can ask for out in the world.

The true power move here seems to be in acknowledgement of the way
my own image has been superimposed on my view of the reality of others

until now.

The only way to see past her is to wipe away the lens that keeps her front and center in my attention.

I have to stop leaning in to criticize the tiny
imperfections of my complexion
when I could be gazing appreciatively out
at the profound vastness of all there actually is.

My intense light could be contagious.

I’m still able to reflect through clear glass, but with greater visibility and fewer mindless mirrors clogging my windows, I can more intentionally aim my illumination in empowering ways. 

My new vision is to embrace every lumen of my influence.

To call back the photons who assumed their purpose was to exist in a tight beam aimed at a neighboring and inconsistent mirrored void.

I no longer need to observe my own light from their perspective.

If I want to teach others to bravely shine,
I’ll need to first embody that mindset
by turning away from the glass
to gain a better awareness of my own capacity.

The shadows I cast will be aftereffects of my movements,
rather than carefully orchestrated finger-shapes
intended to replicate something recognizable.

My recognition will come first from within,
followed by the reactions of others who observe
my focused and authentic creative process.

My awareness of the world will only expand
when I learn to see my own reflection
as the barrier between myself and objectivity.

My focus on the light I provide
& the shadows it casts
are the only things within my control.

Let me clothe myself in mirrors
to better spread the refracted light
in flashes of inspired motion.

These glimmers will better serve 2 purposes:
1) to dilute the exposure to any one viewer in a way that allows them to watch for as long as they like without being blinded, and
2) to create a spectacle that frees others to begin choreographing their own light show. 

Let me dance in authenticity.

Let me admire the blur of my own image in the brief moments of glimpsing it in the abandoned walls of my glass cage.

Let my focus be to bask in the joy of living and to savor the sights of the ever-brightening room I illuminate with my efforts.

Let my periods of rest look like
pausing to cleanse a window in search of community,
in more effectively appreciating the glow of the humans in my periphery.

Let me honor my own light profoundly.